Go back to your roots.

I just went through a bunch of photos I took before I knew how to take "technically correct" photographs. I used to have passion! Knowledge is the key to life and also death. I was making photos that meant something to me, even if technically they weren't even close to being right. Maybe I need to forget my educated, technically proficient side and just GO.

I think I might try to find some people and grab my film camera w/ my sturdy 50mm lens and shoot. Forget studio lights, reflectors, assistants, metering, trying to be perfect. There is no passion in perfection. At least not for me. I used to see shapes, lines, patterns of light. Now all I see is the "visual checklist", a mechanical means of producing images that are acceptable. I don't want to think that way, I don't want to be restricted to that and I am. I hate chains.

This summer will be liberating. I'm going to take advantage of the time and produce some work that is TOTALLY unrelated to school.

I wish I could paint or draw.

I got my first caricature!

I attended Jambando tonight at the Plaza Theatre (http://www.jambando.com) and Eddie and I had our first caricature EVER drawn by Maria Bolton (www.mariabolton.com) and its AMAZING. See for yourself, I look better in caricature world than real life. Haha

I'm doing my semester long documentary on her and her activities from art to animal rights and awareness, eco awareness etc.

I know I'm not supposed to participate in anything or accept gifts to be a professional documentary photographer but um...I'm weak and lets be honest about my doc work...I'm not going to make a career out of it. And lets be honest again and say who could turn it down?

I also became very aware of the similarities between her drawing caricatures and me taking photos of people. I'm always more of an observer than a participant so I ended up listening to the way she spoke to people (including me) to ease the discomfort that is in the first 20 seconds of the process. But what it made me realize is when I'm in the studio getting ready to shoot someone (with a camera) the tension that arises is not being in front of a camera but being in the vulnerable position of allowing someone studying you. Ordinarily we don't spend time with our friends or strangers staring at each-other and studying each others features. Or at least I don't.

What a funny cultural instinct though, to feel vulnerable because someone looks at you longer than a glance. I'm guilty of that feeling of vulnerability too though so I'm in no way pointing anyone out or passing judgment. I get weirded out when people stare at me and then I realize it's probably because I'm sprawled out on the floor somewhere with a big camera trying to get a good shot, or its because my zipper is down or I only put mascara on one eye. Just an observation I made. It just reminds me of animal instincts, that an animal staring at another is usually a sign of aggression or some kind of territorial thing. One becomes dominant, one submissive or they fight to figure it out. In this case you submit to the fear of being studied physically and the connection that arises from it, but you quickly realize its a place of total comfort and actually fun.

I remember Eduardo Rubiano giving us the advice to pursue things that we fear, because the fear is probably the recognition that it could be something you will fall in love with.

What am I talking about? Is this an antibiotic induced hallucination? Did I really just go from drawing to animal instincts?

I'm actually really sick. But I can't stop my life and responsibilities because of it. Can I? No.

Oh my toe

oh my toe. oh my god. writing oh my god with your left hand one level up from the right makes you write "oh my toe". i made myself laugh.

what i was saying....is oh my god, to live is to die (metallica) is the most beautiful song ever. I haven't listened to it in so long. music tells stories too.

but what it doesn't tell me is if i took an antacid from this bottle sitting in front of me. but if i was to trust this song, and my heartburn i would assume no i have not taken it yet.

i will go to bed when the song ends, til then, I WRITE...

see, i had metallica cd's and they all got scratched and worn from playing and replaying over my favorite parts of songs...so by the time i upgraded to having an ipod like a year ago i couldn't get any of the songs onto it without skipping. then i forgot about them? maybe i was afraid lars ulrich would come after me for downloading them on limewire?

Yeah, laugh away...I got my first hand me down ipod when i was 24. just like how i had a pager til i was 21 (I'm 25 now). my trend is to follow trends AFTER they're less trendy, less expensive and less coolness. Don't be jealous.

To live is to die: 4 minutes and 56 seconds in enters the most serene, beautiful sadness and desperation and transitions into a solo that begins to tell that story further, and then merges into anger and angst. Building up and climaxing, repeating, and surrendering at 8 minutes and 54 seconds.....slowly leave the scene and merge back into the sadness, submitting to the past; the beginning...and fade off the way you faded in.

Musical geniuses....even if they sue their fans.

Wooh. Music. Don't forget about music as an inspiration. I want to make photographs to the movement I feel in my heart when I hear this song.